As I write this: Webby aka Noah Fence is in surgery getting his new liver

This is difficult to write and mostly I rather not but here it goes. I'm not sure when this next surgery will be but by this weekend seems likely. Part of the new liver needs to be removed. This is ok long term because livers have this miraculous ability to grow to the right size, but there is risk short term for surviving the operation after just having had one and not yet recovered, and maybe even holding on until then (his new liver is currently not functioning properly and won't until they fix it). I don't know what the survival rate is in this type of situation. From what little he's been able to say to me it seems like he's fighting for his life. Basically he is in so much pain over these days that it's like being constantly tortured, literally. There was so much I wanted to say to him and I got most of it out but he had to get off the phone quickly because hearing my voice was like turning up the dial on the torture he feels. Just any noise or sensory stimulation or even thinking right now increases the pain. He was barely able to talk and his voice sounded so different, you could hear the effort behind every syllable.

I was trying to tell him important reasons he has to live and get through this no matter how much it hurts, and how it will all be worth it, all the pain which is overwhelming now will have been worth it a billion times over once you get to start your new life and experience what it has for you and give the amazing things you have in you to give. My hope/intent was and is to give him a boost to his will to live, because that makes a huge difference in these situations. I'm not sure if I was able to do that, though. Because everything I said hurt him more.

One thing I told him is that I can bear to lose a precious friend but I can't bear to lose a precious comrade. Losing such a special friend is a personal loss and would hurt me and make me unhappy. Losing such a special comrade would not just be my loss, it would be a loss to the world. I can bear to be hurt, to be unhappy. But I can't bear for the world to lose someone who can help push things along to one where we can all be happy.

I expect that will sound very foolish to many people but I stand by it. I know nothing changes without a mass movement. But I also know the emergency of the world is too huge, too horrendous, for any of us to undervalue our own potential contribution.

He's alive! The operation was a success. About 40 minutes ago from the time I'm writing this I got an email from his friend telling me so. Here's a description of how I reacted, which I wrote to his friend in my reply email:

HE'S ALIVE! I just read your email and ran outside to wear my boyfriend was smoking literally shouting that. I jumped on him and hugged him then continued shouting it while jumping around and stood on top of this raised flower bed area outside our building shouting it and put my arms in the air and faced my head to the sky and went, "WHOOOO! WHOOOO! WHOOOO!" And carried on like that doing similarly crazy-seeming things for a minute or so for neighbors and everyone who was nearby to hear and see. I was also bear foot and wearing boxers and a t-shirt because I haven't dressed today. Anyways, I guess you could say that I'm happy and relieved!

It was incredible to get this news. Since he told me he needed that second op, I'd basically done nothing but mope around and think, worry, wish, talk out loud to him alone in my room like a crazy person, etc. Skipping work. Sporadic crying day and night. Fearing the worst.

About 10 minutes after I went back inside I got a call from Webby / Noah Fence. I was not able to understand much of what he said because he wasn't speaking clearly. But here's most of what I was able to understand:

> Since we last spoke he suffered even worse, along with the pain he had very horrifying hallucinations that lasted (or seemed to last) for hours.

> The second operation was a success.

> His kidneys are not damaged but they are not functioning properly.

> He's still in pain. In general it's not as bad as before but there will be periods of increased intensity where it's worse. Due to this he's still not able to communicate (it was a strain for him to do this brief call) so I should not contact him and not expect for him to communicate with me for an indeterminate amount of time. I asked him to send me little one word texts every now and then just to let me know he's still there and he's with us.

> It's too early to tell whether he's going to make it longterm. But he thinks he will.

So from my state of elation I'm back to worrying but not as intensely as before. I think I can manage to watch TV. I'm worried but... I feel like he's gonna make it!!

Glad you're ok now, Battlescarred. ❤

Webby aka Noah Fence might need a third operation. He is desperate to avoid it but will get it if it's necessary for survival. When they first told him he needed the operation he told them to get lost. Soon after, though, he thought about it and decided he will get it if he needs to.

He spoke with hospital staff and they worked out a deal. Every 24 hours they will test his blood and if it shows a good level of improvement, they will forgo the operation for another 24 hours. If that continues long enough and he fully improves and heals to the optimal state then he won't need the operation at all. However, if his blood indicates decline or if he's not improving well enough, he will need the operation.

I don't know the details of what the operation would be for and didn't press for info because it's a strain for him to speak, but he did tell me that this would be smaller than the second/previous operation.

Like I said I don't know the details of his health condition but from what I gather, I believe he's in better health than he was before the second operation. At that point I was very afraid for his life and so was he. I'm estimating that his health is improved based on the following

- He sounds a lot better
- He has way fewer tubes in him than before
- They say this operation would be smaller
- They say he might be able to avoid the operation
- His blood results (which indicate liver health) have been showing improvement

Psychologically though he is struggling. He is excited about life and his future after the hospital, which is great!, but his present and the short-term future are so awful that there are times when he is literally finding it unbearable. His will to fight and endure has been feeling battered, tired, and overwhelmed.

He told me he read this thread today, and it did give him a morale boost. He hasn't been able to post on here, partly because typing tends to make him feel too dizzy, and also because shortly before the transplant he changed his password to something he wouldn't remember to keep himself from signing in. He felt he needed a hiatus from libcom. But he told me he felt heartened by your support and love, and has been thinking of all of you during this time. He will probably check keeping checking this thread again a few times while he's still in the hospital.

I'm very glad you made these posts. I think Webby / Noah Fence will draw extra strength from them to hear of others who have gone through something similar, experienced depression and despair, but then came through it triumphant and knowing it has all been worth it.

Also very glad to hear that you are doing well now Potrokin! And same for your family member Jesuithitsquad!

After you told me about the hallucinations, I did some Googling and learned that hallucinations are not uncommon for people in the hospital who've recently had surgery or other intensive medical interventions, especially when taking powerful pain management drugs.

This reaction is quite normal. Your mind is perfectly fine.