The Adventures of Username 2045 AD

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Wayne
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Oct 1 2004 23:54
The Adventures of Username 2045 AD

The Adventures of Username 2045 AD

A futuristic dystopian epic also starring Ujiee the primmo girl, Username's beautiful life partner Skippy, Wayne, Revol68, Steven., redyred and supporting cast...

Username furrowed his brow, he knew the nightmare of civilisation hadn't left them. It would never leave him, he knew that, it was embedded in his mind. This landscape, this earth, this mother, she still bore the scars. But already she was so frighteningly beautiful that to gaze upon her, upon utopia, brought tears to his eyes. Frogs plopped between bobbing cartons and tortured shopping bags, rats and voles scurried through thickets of brambles, lazy dragon flies rested on hawthorn leaves, marsh tits flitted from hogweed to Elderberry and back again, and it was supervised by nothing except the sun. By night bats flapped through gaping windows of industrial society's skeleton, owls hooted from one side then the other, everything walked quietly, twigs on the ground cracked like gunfire and nothing was supervised by anything except the moon.

Username breathed deeply and rose from the turd he'd just laid behind a majestic sycamore. He grabbed a clump of moss, the best and softest plant to wipe your arse with. He cursed himself for still cleaning his bum after shitting and was glad nobody else was around.

Then a strange whooping noise reached his ears. The calling of the tribe! His pulse quickened as he ran naked, dragging his scrotum through the undergrowth.

When he arrived there was already a crowd around the woman, she was grunting and screaming with pain. The witch grunted at her as she tried to force out the baby. She fed her some comically ineffectual leaves for the pain, she knew what was happening here, had seen it before. Oh the baby would live, perhaps, but the mother was haemorrhaging, that's what they might have called it in the twentieth century at least. She was being reclaimed by the mother goddess. A cheer went up as her pulse died. The new one was there, bloody and naked like the rest of them. They looked at it, squawking with its first breaths. Then a frenzied whooping followed as they saw it was another deformed one. Three in a row thought Username.

With retrospect, Black_Clad_Messenger's decision to petrol bomb Sellafield had not been the best informed. The nuclear fall out, added to the seeping radioactive waste that now ran in every river, meant that most children born were horribly deformed. As the elder of the tribe, Username scooped the creature in his frail arms. His strength had deserted him and he knew he didn't have much time left. This one had nine arses. Interesting, he thought. Already the young ones were making a pyre beside the Zerzan wood carving. They knew the routine. Infanticide was a ritual celebration they couldn't look after passengers here. They whooped and danced in a circle, a crazy music, the beat of nature, no instruments, no rhythm, no coordination. "Ah, Crass" he thought nostalgically and cursed himself for remembering the dark days of technocratic slavery. Then they attacked the crying nine arsed mutant with stone sharpened flints and gouged its body before flinging it on the fire. Username's hairs stood on the back of his neck, what a feeling, what a moment, this was liberation, this was utopia!

They watched the fire burn and then went back to foraging and hunting. They didn't know much except foraging and hunting, and nor did they want to. They did know how to tan animal hides with their brains, though quite what use this was had always escaped him.

He looked at the wood carving of Zerzan and the crudely hacked map of Eugene, it represented everything he'd ever dreamed of. He remembered the summer of the year they had called 2005 in the old calendar, he remembered Zerzan's speaking tour and the genetically modified maize constructed by an eco-warrior who had infiltrated Monsanto and how it had made everyone want to go and hear Zerzan, and believe his word as gospel. What a man. And he cursed himself for thinking in language, a route of oppression they had long ago abolished. He hadn't spoken in years, but the words wouldn't leave his head.

Username, sighed a weary sigh of an old man who had out lived all others of his generation. There had been hard times for sure. He remembered the HIV epidemic after condoms ran out, it had got so bad they couldn't burn the bodies quick enough. They had eventually solved it by abolishing penetrative sex except for procreation, a solution proposed by Lemming. He remembered the agony he felt when Yrewenot3? had killed himself. But he didn't feel bad- that car, burned or not, was technology and had to be destroyed. But when he saw the trees burst through the concrete he knew it was all worthwhile. And he whistled to himself as he picked berries (he was too old to hunt) and tried not to form any recognisable tune. His whistling was short lived, for there were only two berries on this tree. He was hungry, of course he was, everybody was. Despite the cataclysmic mortality rate, the deaths of everyone over forty (except him and Lazlo Woodbine, strangely) and the ritual slaughter of those who engaged in penetrative sex without permission of the elders, there were still far too many people. They fought over the limited food supplies as primitive people in times of scarcity had always done, as mother earth had meant it to be.

Then something truly beautiful happened, by the grace of Zerzan he stumbled over the rotting carcass of a toxic rabbit. He would eat tonight! He couldn't wait to find his beautiful life partner Skippy, not that he would share with her like some dirty communist, he just wanted to show what he had hunted, to prove he was still alpha!

There she was, on the horizon, grinning to reveal her dental calamity like a row of condemned houses. He gnawed into the flesh, too hungry to think to cook it. It was almost as delicious as road kill had been, and he cursed himself for thinking some good had come from the invention of automobiles. But as she came closer he saw she was alarmed.

"Ug, ugg, ooh, ug!" she grunted.

"Ug, ug" he replied.

"Ug, ugee!"

"What's that Skippy?" he thought. "Ugeega is trapped down an abandoned mine shaft and the dark people are attacking?" and he cursed himself for thinking in language again. The dark people were another tribe led by Lazlo Woodbine. They had been friends before they had destroyed all crop plantations and food had become so scarce.

"Ug, och, ugee, ug uig!"

"What"s that Skippy?" he thought, "the dark people are on the other side of the hill?", "ugg, ugg, grouton moy got ug"

And they ran to the horizon.

The sky was lit up, the most beautiful radioactive induced sunset he had ever seen. From here he surveyed utopia. The sky cracked in gold and crimson, bright pink, deep green, murky brown and other colours a sunset really shouldn't be. For a minute he watched the silhouettes of swifts circling higher and higher against the golden ball of orange light. He still dreamed of firing all the nuclear waste into that ug. And he cursed himself for thinking in terms of technology.

"Ug, ug, ooch ug!"

"What's that Skippy? Over there, the dark people attacking unga, uggee and ujiee?" he thought. But when he looked closer through his weary eyes, he saw it was his own tribe that was trying to hack them. He felt saddened, the way they were behaving wasn't fair, it was the opposite of how they should have behaved in this utopia! For a moment he thought to remonstrate with them, then he cursed himself. They were the children of the revolution! They knew no language, they were pure and wild. He was a rotting legacy of the technocratic nightmare. He cursed himself for consciously reproducing the morality of civilisation. The revolution belonged to the children and he watched them chase unga, uggee and ujiee and heard their desperate screams. He felt a nagging discomfort but when he remembered the nightmarish times when you had to buy your food in supermarkets and wear clothes, he knew it was no price to pay for his heaven, his utopia, his perfect world. He laughed out loud, the children, they were in charge now, by Zerzan they were beautiful. He laughed again, it was Big Dave's nightmare - animal consciousness running wild and no marmalade. He felt tired, mother earth would embrace him soon. He would die, and with him would die the original sin.

Meanwhile, in the last remaining buildings on earth, in a room badly papered with yellowing pictures of manga girls and photographs from the Spanish Civil War. Behind several walls, a deep trench, rolls of barbed wire and in the shadow of a frayed red and black flag, Revol, Wayne, Redyred and Steven. watched the clock. It had stopped long ago. Everybody sighed and tried to think of something that hadn't been said during the last 40 years. It hadn't been the same since cantdocartwheels had died and Fallback had killed himself unable to live without the only person that truly understood his analysis of the International Communist Current.

"Fuck I'm bored" said Revol.

"Quit winging you Fenian bastard, you sound just like Sinn Fein" and Wayne grinned and winked a bit like wink so that everybody knew he was just joking and wasn't really a sectarian bigot.

"Fuck off cunt face, I fucking hate Sinn Fein"

"Fucking right, eh? Nationalist wankers"

"Aye, fuckin coca-cola donation cunts"

"SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP!" screamed Steven. and everybody was surprised by his sudden rage. "Forty fuckin years I've listened to you pricks drone on about Northern Ireland, it doesn't fucking matter any more! Sinn Fein joined the primitivists for blood and soil and the UDA lost the will to live after the primmos stole their Burberry caps. Northern Ireland, Ireland, the UK, none of that fucking matters any more!"

Everybody went back to looking at the clock. A long time passed. Redyred walked to the window and gazed upon the rewilded land. "It's over" he said. "I'm tired. We have fought this for so long. We fought them as they destroyed buildings and roads, we tried to save crops, we have lost. We are the last, we are the last of humanity"

"Oh fuck up you pretentious cunt, who are you? Fucking Chingakchook?" asked Revol.

"It's true" said Steven., "humanity will die with us"

"Ah ken" said Wayne, "if only there had have been some lassies involved with class struggle anarchism"

"Whose fuckin fault is that ye cunt?" asked Revol. "Mister fuckin 'wanna fuck'"

"Fuck off, we were all happy pumping vaneigemapreciationclub till you fuckin shot him"

"Come on, could you put up with his bad rehashing of situationism any longer?"

Everybody shook their head and went back to looking at the clock.

"Want to play chess?" asked redyred.

"Nu"

"I"m going out to the garden to get some potatoes and rosemary then".

But just as he was about to leave a terrible scream reached the building and the last four workers on earth ran to the window. They saw something horrific. They saw the littlest girl trip and fall and saw the children of the revolution gain ground on her.

"Shite, they're gonnae fuckin slaughter them!" said Wayne, "we've got to do something!"

"Fuck that" said Revol, "they're fuckin primmos, remember what happened when The Blast went outside in 2012?"

"Don't you see" said Steven., "they were running to us"

Revol thought hard. He was balding now but he still had a cheeky quiff, even though his quiff involved gluing his pubes onto the top of his head these days. He played with it as he considered what to do. "Alright, come on, let's get tooled up and kick fuck out of some primmo scum".

They made molotovs out of the last of the petrol and ran outside, as redyred hurled his bottle the primmos dropped to their knees and worshipped the ugs that threw fire. They dragged the naked girls into their compound and gave each of them a towel. They were shaking.

"Fuck" said Wayne "they look like they need a drink"

"Weirdo" said Steven., "you know we finished the alcohol seven years ago"

"Well I've been holdin out on yous a bit there, I've still got a couple of bottles of amaretto stashed away.

"Cunt"

"Ujiee, Ujiee" said the oldest primmo girl patting her big breasts.

"I don't fuckin speak leprechaun" said Revol.

"No" said Steven., "she's saying her name! Don"t you see, she's trying to talk!"

"Fuck me" said redyred, "we'll have them reading Cleaver in a couple of years!"

"This calls for a celebration" said Wayne as he ran to get the amoretto.

When the sweet Italian liqueur touched Ujiee's lips she smiled a smile so unmistakably human that everybody laughed and cried all at once.

"She's got beautiful eyes beneath the mud" said Revol, "do you think we've got any mascara and lipstick lying around? I haven't had a blowjob in decades" and he smiled and winked in a way that looked a bit like wink so that everybody would know that it was just a cheeky joke and he wasn"t really being sexist.

"You've never had a fuckin blowjob and there's only three of them so you'll still no get any you ugly cunt" said Wayne and everybody laughed and nodded, including the three primmo girls who almost seemed to have understood.

"A toast" said redyred, "to the future"

"Aye" said Wayne, "to the self emancipation of the working class, to the victory of humanity, to international communism!"

red n black star

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Steven.
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Oct 2 2004 00:24

*sniff*

I'm proud to have been part of that, man.

To international communism!

red n black star

Deezer
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Oct 2 2004 01:10

Excellent Wayne. smile

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JDMF
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Oct 2 2004 08:09

Great stuff smile

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JDMF
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Oct 2 2004 08:10

eek i can't believe i just said that to wayne eek

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Steven.
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Oct 2 2004 11:08
JDMF wrote:
eek i can't believe i just said that to wayne eek

But you didn't like his Yrwenot3 story did you? And that was amazing as well!

Hmmm maybe we could have a short story competition, where all the characters have to be board users... I might write one if I get bored - there's only one other person workin today, and no bosses, so think i may be posting here a lot...

Lazlo_Woodbine
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Oct 2 2004 13:23

ROTFLMAO

I want a speaking part next episode.

BTW the picture of me posted up by Captainmission -- is not of me.

Username
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Oct 2 2004 15:25

I stopped reading at "mother goddess."

desertR
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Oct 2 2004 17:30

Good decision username because it is a narrow minded opinioated dogmatic attack that doesnt want to take your ideas seriously and just makes them look ridiculous. THIS IS NO WAY FOR ANARCHISTS TO BEHAVE! You are obviously a very talented person so why do you want to use your skills to hurt the idea of liberation if that is what you claim to believe in when you could engage constructively with other ideas create positive energy and learn cool stuff? We should be supporting each other and learning from each other not making fun of each other. I am not a primitivist but there is much that is very interesting about primitivism and who really has the pack mentality here? One person explaining their views or a little gang that wont tolerate any disagreement. Wayne, why do you feel threatened by people that disagree with you? Could you find ways to solve these insecurities that do not involve damaging our movement and creating such an unfriendly climate that anybody not in your gang may be put off posting or hide their realviews and explorations to avoid ridicule.

redyred
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Oct 2 2004 17:52

Username and desertR, sitting in a tree...

sabotabby
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Oct 2 2004 19:29

That's the best thing ever written about primitivism. It should be flyposted on lamp posts across Eugene. Some ideas deserve ridicule.

Wayne
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Oct 2 2004 22:50
Quote:
BTW the picture of me posted up by Captainmission -- is not of me.

Aye I know that now but after that Otto Ruhle thing I was going to batter that poor cunt! I know a lot of people don't like the way I use these forums so maybe it's not my place to criticise other people, but did Mish have permission from that bloke? Otherwise it seems a bit of a shabby thing to do.

Wayne
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Oct 2 2004 22:51
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I stopped reading at "mother goddess."

Ugg, Oogie, Ug Ugh, ug, grung, uhhg!

Lazlo_Woodbine
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Oct 3 2004 12:08
Wayne wrote:
I know a lot of people don't like the way I use these forums so maybe it's not my place to criticise other people

Yes; shut up.

WeTheYouth
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Oct 3 2004 21:03

All these attacks on people coming from a person who has there user title as an impoverished council scheme roll eyes If you really lived on an impoverished council estate you dont exactly promote it.

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Steven.
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Oct 3 2004 23:21
WeTheYouth wrote:
All these attacks on people coming from a person who has there user title as an impoverished council scheme roll eyes If you really lived on an impoverished council estate you dont exactly promote it.

Do you really have no sense of irony whatsoever?

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Oct 4 2004 07:51
Steven. wrote:
WeTheYouth wrote:
All these attacks on people coming from a person who has there user title as an impoverished council scheme roll eyes If you really lived on an impoverished council estate you dont exactly promote it.

Do you really have no sense of irony whatsoever?

Steven, i don't know either if he is joking or being ironic or whatnot, i doubt i'f me and WTY are the only ones...

Thora
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Oct 5 2004 09:45

That was the funniest thing I've ever read on enrager, and I don't even hate primitivists!

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Steven.
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Oct 5 2004 11:16
Thora wrote:
That was the funniest thing I've ever read on enrager, and I don't even hate primitivists!

"As the elder of the tribe, Username scooped the creature in his frail arms. His strength had deserted him and he knew he didn’t have much time left. This one had nine arses."

grin grin

[fair enough might have been a bit of a rip-off of a Father Ted joke but still ;)]

Wayne
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Oct 5 2004 14:41
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Modern technology oppressed me and displayed it's alienating nature to me this morning.

It was sad. sad

Jack, that's the loudest I've laughed in a very long time. grin grin

WeTheYouth
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Oct 5 2004 14:42
Steven. wrote:
WeTheYouth wrote:
All these attacks on people coming from a person who has there user title as an impoverished council scheme roll eyes If you really lived on an impoverished council estate you dont exactly promote it.

Do you really have no sense of irony whatsoever?

Irony where? i dont see irony i see stupidity.

Wayne
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Oct 5 2004 14:51

Sorry We The Youth, I'm being pretty nice to people today 'cos I'm off work and in quite a good mood, but you didn't get the irony of the 'Are you a real revolutionary or another parasite?' questionaire. You couldn't see irony if it was wearing one of Elton John's suits in your living room. You are probably the dullest person I've ever not met. I don't want to be accused of trolling, bullying or abusing the space, but you seem like someone who couldn't make a joke out of a pot of paint, a step ladder and a man carrying a plank.

WeTheYouth
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Oct 5 2004 16:47
Wayne wrote:
Sorry We The Youth, I'm being pretty nice to people today 'cos I'm off work and in quite a good mood, but you didn't get the irony of the 'Are you a real revolutionary or another parasite?' questionaire. You couldn't see irony if it was wearing one of Elton John's suits in your living room. You are probably the dullest person I've ever not met. I don't want to be accused of trolling, bullying or abusing the space, but you seem like someone who couldn't make a joke out of a pot of paint, a step ladder and a man carrying a plank.

Well Wayne to me you seem to be trolling your way through these baords insulting anyone who disagrees with you. I do have a sens eof humour, dont always show it, but does that really matter, i dont go round insulting everyone who disagrees with you, i dont like primitivism but Username deserved to have his arguments heard like everyone else.

Wayne
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Oct 5 2004 17:21

Oh fuck's sake, lighten up a bit.

Quote:
Username deserved to have his arguments heard like everyone else.

I didn't delete his posts confused and this is not a form of interaction where arguments can be shouted down. He could make them as much as he wanted, it just happens they were really stupid and easy to make fun of. A bit like you. Anyway, I don't agree with Nazis but I'd never make fun of their tight jeans.

Quote:
i dont go round insulting everyone who disagrees with you

You can if you want, it would save me doing it grin

tongue tongue tongue I'm blowing rasperries at you and pulling funny faces.

Okay, here's one for you... This bloke's walking round Belfast near the peace line and a guy jumps out in a balaclava pointing a gun at his knees. 'What's your religion?' he asks. Obviously he's shitting himself and he doesn't know how to answer, 'em... well... I'm Jewish!'

'Fuck me' says the guy smiling behind his balaclava, I must be the luckiest Palestinian in Europe.

And I'm not a fucking troll!

WeTheYouth
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Oct 5 2004 17:33
Quote:
I didn't delete his posts and this is not a form of interaction where arguments can be shouted down. He could make them as much as he wanted, it just happens they were really stupid and easy to make fun of. A bit like you. Anyway, I don't agree with Nazis but I'd never make fun of their tight jeans.

Yes i know that, but you tried to humiliate him, thats what pissed me off, same with what you wrote about yrwenot3.

Quote:
You can if you want, it would save me doing it

I aint got the time on my hands like you do tongue

Quote:
Okay, here's one for you... This bloke's walking round Belfast near the peace line and a guy jumps out in a balaclava pointing a gun at his knees. 'What's your religion?' he asks. Obviously he's shitting himself and he doesn't know how to answer, 'em... well... I'm Jewish!'

'Fuck me' says the guy smiling behind his balaclava, I must be the luckiest Palestinian in Europe.

I dont get it..... roll eyes

Heres one for you

A Bloke is driving down a highway and sees a sign saying "St Marys Nunnery Come get Screwed 10 Miles away", The bloke thinks it is a wind up and keeps driving. As He Drives further he sees a sign saying "St Marys Nunnery nuns for money" 5 Miles, He still thinks its a bit of a wind up and carries on driving. He comes to another sign and it says "St Mary's Nunnery, we do anything for money" Turn left Now. The Bloke yurns left and goes into the convent, the nun who opens the door leads him down a long corridor and a succession of corridors until they came to a door. The Nun asks him for 100 pounds and tells him to enter the room. The door shuts behind him. He finds himself standing in the car park and above him read a sign saying "You have just been screwed by St Mary's Nuns"

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Steven.
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Oct 5 2004 17:38

Does anyone find it funny that in loads of mobiles the word "nun" comes before "mum" in predictive text confused

Some Nokia engineer musta had a sense of humour...

Wayne
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Oct 5 2004 17:45
Quote:
Does anyone find it funny that in loads of mobiles the word "nun" comes before "mum" in predictive text

No, just you.

Okay, I'm jealous 'cos I've never got the hang of predictive texting and am secretly a primmo.

Quote:
I dont get it.....

Oh for fucks sake.

Quote:
A Bloke is driving down a highway and sees a sign saying "St Marys Nunnery Come get Screwed 10 Miles away", The bloke thinks it is a wind up and keeps driving. As He Drives further he sees a sign saying "St Marys Nunnery nuns for money" 5 Miles, He still thinks its a bit of a wind up and carries on driving. He comes to another sign and it says "St Mary's Nunnery, we do anything for money" Turn left Now. The Bloke yurns left and goes into the convent, the nun who opens the door leads him down a long corridor and a succession of corridors until they came to a door. The Nun asks him for 100 pounds and tells him to enter the room. The door shuts behind him. He finds himself standing in the car park and above him read a sign saying "You have just been screwed by St Mary's Nuns"

Yes! That's it, I laughed! grin 8)

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Spartacus
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Oct 5 2004 18:40
Quote:
Does anyone find it funny that in loads of mobiles the word "nun" comes before "mum" in predictive text

yes, my mum (seriously, i'm not just making an obscure reference to the original ayn in joke).

wty, the irony in his location is i would have thought fairly obvious, given the tendency among certain anarchists to do the whole prolier than thou thing. he's taking the piss out of that attitude.

and my personal favourite bit from that story was the bit about dragging his scrotum through the undergrowth. the only way that story could be improved is by the addition of 1) mr t; 2) samurai swords; and 3) chiaki kuriyama with a ball and chain or a big knife hunting down the primmos and mocking them in japanese. and an ennio moricone soundtrack, but i suppose that wouldn't come across on the internet, so i'll just have to imagine it...

Quote:
Yes i know that, but you tried to humiliate him

no, it was mocking the ideas and arguements. as all we are here is usernames and only those who know each other know what we look like, so seems fair enough to associate the username of someone with their ridiculous ideas when you're ridiculing the idea. it's just a short hand for the set of ideas they espouse. nothing in either piece was based on who the person using the username actually is or what they have done in real life, just on the ideas and arguements they've made on here.

and personally i think it's far preferable both for me and new people who arrive to read that than the constant "cunt" "wanker" we had before, because while i dare say in real life most of the time the tone of voice, facial expression, and context would indicate that it wasn't serious, those fucking smilie emoticon bastards are fairly useless at conveying the subtleties of real human interaction. so people may well be put off if they're just skimming through not really reading everything to see if it's worth hanging around and all they see is insults being traded on every thread. you know, less is more and that sort of thing...

WeTheYouth
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Oct 5 2004 19:04
Quote:
Quote:

I dont get it.....

Oh for fucks sake.

I do really. twisted

Quote:
Yes! That's it, I laughed! grin 8)

Ha. I told you im not dull, but i have no more jokes, apart from bad jokes from the back of penguins sad

GT it was humiliating, how about if we did that to you? Would you like it? Fuck no you would not. You can say that it is humorous it seems waye has an ability to either make people pissed off or happy chuckling anarchists.

Wayne
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Oct 5 2004 19:16
Quote:
I do really.

You got me man, you got me. You made me laugh and caught me with irony I didn't see. That's two funny things you've done. This has been my most amazing day on enrager ever. I've witnessed the comprehensive defeat of Yrewelying and the liberation of general boards from his winging hippy shite, I've made peace with JDMF and invited him for dinner and shared two jokes with We The Youth.

***sings** I see skies of blue, clouds of white... **etc.***

WeTheYouth
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Oct 5 2004 19:19
Wayne wrote:
Quote:
I do really.

You got me man, you got me. You made me laugh and caught me with irony I didn't see. That's two funny things you've done. This has been my most amazing day on enrager ever. I've witnessed the comprehensive defeat of Yrewelying and the liberation of general boards from his winging hippy shite, I've made peace with JDMF and invited him for dinner and shared two jokes with We The Youth.

***sings** I see skies of blue, clouds of white... **etc.***

How cool. Sure beats my day.